Frustration, Selfishness, Repentance, Forgiveness, Joy

Yesterday lunch time was kind of rough for Lucy and I. I've been frustrated with her before, but this time, I could barely even look at her for 5 minutes. Has this ever happened to you? I know now why I couldn't look at her, it was because of my own sin and guilt.

Here's the background: Lucy had been sick for almost two months with junk in her lungs which caused her to often cough, and then vomit her meals. I was getting slightly stressed because she is "behind" with her ability/willingness to eat textured/chunky foods. I found out that the ages on the store-bought baby food is more advanced than it has been in days gone by. Apparently, the "experts" are now pushing early eating and so the "8 month" food is chunky, whereas the label for the same chunky food used to be "12 month". News to me! (I just found out this past weekend while in PEI)

So yesterday, when Lucy ate her chunky food without gagging even once, I was so proud! She's learning to chew (with her two bottom teeth) and it's really cute, especially when she tries to chew pureed strawberries. She only had a couple bites left and we'd already spent almost twice as long working to get this food down with no incidents. Then she started gagging and I attempted to distract her. So she threw up a little, which is ok because maybe I gave her too much? Though I know half a bottle is not too much for her. That kid can eat! Well, then she proceeded to vomit the rest of her food...all of it. The whole half bottle that we had just worked so hard for so long to get down. Then I had flashbacks to the two months when she did this often and we were so concerned. Plus, I'm not fully convinced that she doesn't have at least a little bit of control over her gagging, which induces vomiting, which would be disobedience on her part.

I did not respond correctly to the situation or to my poor sweet daughter. There was no consolation from me because she had just puked. There was no compassion whatsoever on my part. She wasn't upset at all, as usual. It hadn't phased her one bit. All I could think was, "Please, no. We cannot start this puking again! All that food and time and effort wasted!" I cleaned her up, and her high chair, but didn't say anything too much besides that it was bad what she did. No smiles, no rubs or hugs, no words of comfort...nothing. Then I put her in her jumparoo and had some alone time, just a couple feet away, but good enough for me.

taken by Lori today at the grave :)

It didn't take long for me to feel convicted about my selfishness and unkindness toward her. I got it right with God and I asked her to forgive me, telling her I had been wrong. As soon as I looked at her, she was thrilled and just wanted me to pick her up. I didn't need to apologize for her sake 'cause she can't even understand. I did need to apologize to her though, to be right in my relationship with my Saviour. You may think it silly to apologize to an 11 month old, but I figure if I start now, it might be easier as she grows. Certainly, I will need to apologize again in the future,
I am sinner still, though forgiven. I did pray that God would help me to respond correctly going forward, that I can show His love to her in every situation and that I won't be selfish. I repented of my sin. Repentance is a change in the opposite direction. I want to do this way, God's way, from now on~

"That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another. Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil. Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."
~Ephesians 4:22-32